My Stars
22 Tuesday Dec 2015
Posted Appreciation, Creative Writing, Friendship, Mental health, Poetry, Psychiatry, Psychology, Thank you, Therapy
in22 Tuesday Dec 2015
Posted Appreciation, Creative Writing, Friendship, Mental health, Poetry, Psychiatry, Psychology, Thank you, Therapy
in12 Thursday Nov 2015
Tags
abuse, anxiety, appreciation, bpd, child abuse, childhood mental health, Compassion, coping, counselling, Counsellor, creative writing, Creativity, depression, dissociation, emotional wellbeing, Flashbacks, hope, Listening, memories, mental health, mental illness, paranoia, pct, Psychologist, psychology, psychosis, ptsd, Rape, recovery, self harm, sexual abuse, stress, suicidal, survivor, talking therapy, therapies, therapy, trauma
I’ve been having counselling since the beginning of this year. I was feeling apprehensive and nervous and fearful and scared. I wanted to go through with it but at the same time I was scared I was going to feel vulnerable and exposed to a complete stranger.
I was met by a woman who came across very warm and compassionate. She reassured me there was no pressure and that we go at my pace.
I was surprised with myself how soon I warmed to her and how soon I opened up to her about some of my experiences both past and present. I felt naked and exposed. Ashamed, guilty, like a freak, stupid, embarrassed, but you know what she put me at ease and told me I didn’t need to feel these things; that she wasn’t judging me and that it was the people who had abused me that should feel this way.
I have cried several times in counselling, something I’ve NEVER done in therapy. I’ve been myself with her and although at times I know I’ve pushed her away, I know I’ve let her in on my journey and into my life and revealed some of my darkest sordist secrets. Things that people who’ve known me for many years don’t even know.
My counsellor is kind hearted, caring, compassionate, warm, gentle, empathic, genuine, supportive, good at listening, honest, trustworthy, understanding, soothing, non judgmental, intelligent, funny and has a beautiful soul.
I feel honoured to have her supporting me. She is 100% dedicated to working through my issues with me.
If I have the courage to show her this. Thank you for everything and for believing me and for being a part of my journey.
For anyone considering counselling or therapy, you have nothing to lose. If you don’t gel with your therapist, talk it through, if that doesn’t work try another one. Talking things through does help. It’s better out than in!
UPDATE……After I wrote this, a couple of weeks later, my counsellor announced she is leaving in a few weeks time. I had let her read this.
Devastated is an understatement!!
11 Wednesday Nov 2015
Tags
abuse, bpd, camhs, child abuse, childhood mental health, coping, courage, depression, emotional wellbeing, hope, life, memories, mental health, mental illness, psychiatry, psychology, ptsd, recovery, samaritans, self harm, suicidal, suicide, survivor, therapy, trauma
Before the age of eleven, I wanted to die but never knew what suicide was. I knew I just wanted the pain to end and wanted to die. When I was 11, I discovered suicide and realised that is what I wanted to do. I have been attempting suicide ever since. All I’ve ever wanted to do is die. I believe that when you die you come back as a baby and start your life again with new people and that gives me hope and encouragement.
I’m like a ticking time bomb just waiting to go. I don’t want anyone to take blame, I just want to end my life and be free from mental and physical pain. Sometimes, I have intent to take my life, other times it’s just thoughts and feelings. Sometimes I just want to express my pain and thoughts and other times, I seriously have the desire and intent to commit suicide. The main things that keep me safe is my Nana and I feel guilty for being selfish towards her, my friends and the little ones. What I’d do to them all crucifies me and makes me feel so guilty because despite how I feel I do love them.
At weekend, I had been feeling desperately low and suicidal and fortunately I had managed to keep myself safe.
I have goals whether that be daily, weekly, monthly, yearly or in the future and that’s what keeps me going.
I love my Nana and my adopted little nieces and nephews very much and I’d do anything for any of them.
I hope one day that I find inner peace and strength to continue. I know I have it inside to keep the fight going, I just need to believe that life IS worth living and that things do and can get better because nothing stays the same!
I’m a firm believer in karma and that everything happens for a reason. I know that one day everything will click into place and hopefully I’ll have a better outlook on life.
Whatever life throws at me, I’m going to try and beat it.
If you need emotional support, Samaritans are open 24/7 and you can contact them free by ringing 116 123 or visiting http://www.samaritans.org
If your life is in immediate danger call 999.
Remember you are not alone. There is always someone somewhere to talk to.